It’s been a while. I know I have neglected you for so long. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about you. It’s more like, I ran out of things to say.
It’s more than that, actually. In truth, I have a lot of things to say. A lot of things pop into my mind. But I just don’t know where to start or how I should express them. I think of how, but then after a while, I would just give up on the idea and let things pass me by slowly.
Lately, I feel like drifting in a endless space – no where to go, no where to run. I don’t even have the energy to think of where to go, or where to run, or what to do.
I think happy thoughts and look at happy things and do things that I used to love, but somehow, they are not the same. Yes, they make me happy, but the happiness is temporary. As soon as the book ends, I’m sad again. As soon as the music ends, I feel empty again. The things that I used to love don’t give me the same satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment as they did before. Like how I used to be able to watch seasons after seasons of TV series, but now, after 2 or 3 episodes, I get bored with it. Although I still watch them until the end, but I finish them not because I find them fun to watch, but more like out of obligation to myself that I have to finish everything that I started.
I do not know what’s wrong with me, I just feel so… I feel nothing, I have no opinion of anything, and I don’t even think I want to do anything or even care about other people. I just want to lock myself away in my room and stare at the ceiling for hours and hours, thinking nothing.
I don’t think I’m regressing back to being a shut-in. I think I’m regressing back to being a slowpoke or a stone or something.