Every time I make an attempt to write my heart out, my hands gets cold and I grow weak. Yet every time these thoughts pass me by, I can't help myself but to sit and think. When will I find the courage to honestly admit you're finally not mine. Of course, I still love you. Yet, no matter ho much we try, we couldn't meet both ends. Even so, I am thankful for the while you were mine. Even so, I wouldn't go so far as to fool myself that you were the same. Of course, at this very moment I am typing this, I'm crying my heart out. My heart finally gave in, I can't pretend to be strong any longer.

I never held you too tight, because I was afraid you would die. I never held you to light because you might leave me and fly. That's the best that I could possibly do, yet, it's just not enough to keep you. I never wanted to let you go. But the longer it is that I keep you with me, the more painful it gets.

"If by any chance, we were to break up, I want you to move on."
"No, I might die."
"Don't say that."
"I'm sorry... I'll try..."
"Promise me?"
"Yes, I promise."

Remember those lines? Yes, those were the lines when I started to feel that all this, would come to end someday. I knew that first hand, yet I ignored it. After that, you showed me more than enough signs that you wanted to end this, yet, I pretended not to notice. That's because I don't want to jump into conclusions that I might have mistook your meaning. You know me, you know how I take things as rational as it is possible. But in the end, I had proven that one thing I was so afraid of happening. I prepared myself and waited until you would finally tell me it's over. Yet, months passed by and you remained the same - you remained just as cold. That's when I realized that both of us doesn't want to be the one ending this. There was never an easy way to break another's heart and we both knew that fact. So both of us waited for each other as far as months pass by again. And those months were like a rain of acids to my heart.

Each night I drown myself in tears trying so hard to keep that promise that I would move on. Each night I embrace the same old painful thoughts. Hurting myself physically would be less painful than arriving to that conclusion. Yet, somehow, I finally convinced myself that I would take the courage and be the one to cut the thread. You know what it meant and you know how painful it was. Just building that minutes worth of courage to talk to you and ask you straight about it, pilled me up with months worth of tears and pain.

When that moment came. Those minutes just passed by like a gust of wind. And I felt nothing. I felt neither pain nor relief. I felt like I was drowning in total darkness, in absolute void. I neither cried nor smiled. I uttered not a word. I felt so unreal. Until tonight, hearing about it, felt like nothing. It's as if my tears were all drained out and my heart is too numbed to even feel the pain anymore. But for this one night, let my heart be true.

It's been a year since I last changed this site's layout. Here's Beyond Eternal's version 16, Drug. This layout features Lucifer, a J-rock band from Shinjo Mayu's manga, Kaikan Phrase. Although, the layout is half done.

Kaikan Phrase or Sensual Phrase in US, was serialized in Japan 1997-2000 and made into an anime, 1999-2000. In short, it's an old manga/anime. Kaikan Phrase was one of my favorite manga (I haven't seen the anime though T_T) not because it's ecchi but because it has a wonderful storyline. Shoujo Magic first scanlated this and then dropped it with 4 volumes after it was licenced. Just recently, Shoujo Crusade, a new scanlation group, decided to continue the dropped scanlations. So I got the idea of making a Lucifer layout this time. ;)

There was (yes, disbanded) an actual J-rock band called Lucifer before that was formed in conjuction with Kaikan Phrase the anime. Aside from Makoto, that's supposed to be Sakuya (vocals), the rest of the band membes took the name of their respective character in the manga namely and Yuki (lead guitar), Atsuro (guitar), Santa (drums) and Towa (bass guitar).

With regards to the "Drug" name, I know you are wondering why the heck the name. Drug, according to the manga, is a song performed by Lucifer and was written by their lyricist, Aine. That's the girl you see naked in the layout. *points above* The guy you see holding her is Sakuya, her boyfriend. Those lyrics you see are the lyrics of the song and the scenes were from the music video. Both the lyrics and the music video has sensual themes. After all, Lucifer is a band that sang sensual songs. I also provided the lyrics of Drug below, if in case you are interested and can't read the small text above. Yes, yes. I even took the effort of typing it from the manga.

Drug
by Lucifer

Open up to me.
Release your body.
Revealing the flower of your allure,
Seal this with a kiss.

You're playing with the bedcovers...
You're so nervous.
You're scared.
You hold me...

Tightly grasping,
Your hand is shaking,
sliding, caressing.

I feel your warmth all over my body.
I want to,
but you can't.
You desire this.
Stop resisting.

Today is Beyond Eternal's 3rd Anniversary! :)

Here's everyone's gift, as promised. As usual, click the image to get it.

I got a new cell number. I'm advertising it here since I know most of my readers. If you're interested, just say so and I shall e-mail it to you. So you better remember to leave a correct e-mail, this time. Double check, double check. I wont dare leave my number here flaunting it to everyone. It's scary to have people texting you when you don't know them. Also, if you're just looking for a textmate, I'm not the one for it. So don't even bother asking.

For how many times do I need to tell people that I am not a Korean and I am not a Korean drama TV series (Korean-novela) actress!! This is not the first time. I always hear these things since Meteor Garden era. And it's not just at college but at jeepneys, streets and the market as well? O.o

First and foremost, my ethnicity is Chinese. That explains my skin color, so please stop comparing your brown skin with my pale skin. I don't feel flattered at all. I don't care if you people wanted a pale skin like mine or whatever but please don't repeat such stuffs to me. It gets irritating whenever you hear it. Also, you people should be contented for whatever you have.

Secondly, in my humble opinion, acting, modeling and the like are just another line of job that deals with entertaining people. That's why it's called the "entertainment industry". Duh. So why take the fuss over actors and actresses? (Or is it just me that thinks this way?) After all, you see them on TV because it's their job to be on TV. Also, I am way too under qualified to be an actress. I can't act, I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't do pretty much anything. To make things short, I'm talentless. Even if by some weird chance I'm scouted, I wouldn't even try working for an industry where you sell your face, body and talents to be seen nationwide. Even your every move is monitored by people from the media and everything else in your life would turn from reality to being superficial.

Thirdly, not all people with the same skin color and china-eyes as me are Korean. Why do people here in this country see Chinese, Japanese and Korean people all automatically as Korean-novela¹ actors/actresses anyway? This is not just exaggeration this time. I'm starting to think that watching TV is really bad.

Fourth, what do you care if I dress this way? Is there any law in the Philippine constitution stating I cannot wear things such as these? (Business/office attire: blouse, slocks pants, knee-length boots, and blaser placed over my shoulders - because it's hot if I wear it on the jeepney. >.<) Also, it is required that I wear stuff like this that's why I'm wearing them. Do you think I would just randomly wear such clothes on this countryside-like place I'm living? Before commenting on other people, please look at the mirror first. I don't hate these kind of people though, because in my opinion, such are just the signs of insecurity.

And lastly, if I may request, if you plan on talking behind a person, please murmur them in a lower voice. Just enough to be heard by the one you are talking to and also not loud enough to be heard by that the person you are talking about. Because even if you meant it as a compliment, the person might not take is as one but rather, the opposite. Please be conscious of the people around you too, because not all people are like you. I won't expect too much from you people though, you are uneducated, ill-mannered street people, after all.