What the hell happened to me? To list it down, here:

• I got hacked.
• I fixed it.
• I shut down BE because I was freaking out of it.
• I put it back up.
• I got hacked again.
• I fixed it again.
• I fixed the bug I found in guestbook and tagboard.
• Site was down due to some unexplainable error.
• Site was fixed.
• Got hacked again.
• Site got fixed.
• Lost interest in updating.
• Read a few mangas.
• Visited IRC just to be pissed of again.
• Read a few mangas again.
• Cleaned Happiness! Chapter 4 raw.
• Cleaned Happiness! Chapter 5 raw.
• Read a few more mangas.
• Work, work, work.
• Surf, surf, surf.

And after all those concerts, mall tours, autograph sessions, and photo book shoots, I found the time to blog at last. But still, I'm blogging senseless.

*sigh*

This is serious. I don't know who to vote for the Blogger's Choice Award 2007. Shari, Ade and Benj are all there. This is definitely stressing. *sigh*

In case you have someone in mind to vote, you can vote here.

Everyone, I've received a lot of emails PM and text messages asking me if it was really my birthday today. And yes, it is my birthday today. It's the 22nd day of my life that my mom cries in agony that she bore me. I'm still small and thin and doesn't look like someone who is in her 20's. So for my birthday wish, even if they don't come true: I wish to be taller. I wish to be fatter. And I wish to look a lot more to my age. And I wish to be able to find the missing albums of Gackt that I still lack.

For the good part of it, I got a Death Note from my brother as a gift.

The Death Note contains instructions on how to use it and a few pre-written names of people and their cause of deaths that was written by Light in the manga. Please note that I haven't watched the anime. I prefer mangas over animes. And since I have a Death Note, now, who to kill? >:)

For the bad part of it, I went all the way to Mall of Asia to buy the remaining albums of Gackt that I haven't bought. And guess what? I'm out of stock again. Damn, why does Gackt have to be so damn popular and sexy for everyone to adore him and all. I wanted him all for myself. T_T

Anyway, for those who greeted me and gave me gifts:

My family, Lanie, Ran-chan, Nely, Khei, Rd, Ravencroft, Kuya Archie, James (T-rex), Ems, Rozeh, Talamasca, Flamegod, Gean, aubrey, Nash, Sir Adrian, Sir Glenn, Sir Allan, Sir Edson, Sir Reynan, Sir Gerry, Ma'am Rea, Ma'am Rianne, Ma'am Mel, Sir Dave, Sir Jerry, Mattew, ahnjellie, Aja, enob-x, Rednal, mickl3, miryuri, MK, Haruhi, selo, obliterhikaru, MoonRomance, Ice Fyre, BobCat, Trelumas, Dexter, Inggo, Shari and y0ur_c0nscience.

Thanks a lot. :)

Oh, and I've updated my gifts section and posted gifts I got from Sir Allan and Raven. :)

"Before I knew it, someone is always getting hurt because of me. It was my fault that they were hurt and I hate myself."

Those were the things I already knew but still, I don't want to hear straight from you. I myself am tormented by my own feelings. I don't know what to feel either. A part of me is sympathetic of your feelings. I can see you so transparently because I understand how you feel. I understand your pains perfectly. Maybe because we are the same. And by this, I wanted to embrace you tonight until you feel better.

People's hearts when hurt, are the most sensitive. And so, unknowingly, they shut themselves out from the world. Thinking about the fact that whatever I do or whatever I say wont get to you, it gives me a confused feeling. That alone made me feel sad that I couldn't even lend a hand. Well, who am I kidding? You couldn't just approach someone and say, "let's divide those pains into two." So by this, I'm tormented by my own helplessness and all I can do is watch you from afar.

At some point, I also feel irritated by your pathetic way of thinking. Maybe because I also think that I was pathetic. That's why I said that to you. I wanted to tell you, I'm always here. Yet, I wanted to slap your cheeks to wake you up. But in the end, I didn't say anything. That, too, made me hate myself that I can't even do things properly.

Honestly, no matter what you do, you can never prevent people from getting themselves hurt. And if you care too much about other people, you'll end up doubling the pain you are already feeling. You can never rid this world of pain. You are not a god. You're only human. One that is born to stumble and get up each and every time. One that is born to feel pain, shed tears and smile after each and every rain. One that is both loved and hated.

I always wanted to say those words to you. But for some reason, I couldn't find the courage to tell you that. It's sad really, that I can't even voice out my feelings and I regret this so much. I wished I could be reborn. When I do, I would do every single thing again from the start and I promise that I would try my best to leave no regrets in that time. But now, no matter how hard I yell, it wouldn't reach you anymore. No matter how many tears I shed, you won't be coming back. Let this rain continue to pour tonight. Please let the sky cry all night in my stead. Maybe if the sky cries, it would somehow reach you. Maybe the sky can tell you too, of how much I love you.

Let It Rain
Chapter 2: Courage

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Let It Rain

• Chapter 1: Joy Ride
• Chapter 2: Courage
• Chapter 3: Promise
• Chapter 4: E-mail

I'm going to move server again because the old server moving didn't push through. So this site might be down for a while. I'll be at Twilight Drifter while the move is being made.